The phrase book
A tired brain can't compose sentences. So don't. These are the words that work, organized by moment. Print it, fold it, fridge it. Say them in your own voice; the shape is what matters.
Two columns, and you never cross them. With family, be honest and negotiate: name the load, divide it, put it in writing. With the person who has dementia, validate and never argue with logic: meet the feeling, skip the facts. The most dangerous mistake in this whole book is bringing honest, reasoning, let's-be-realistic energy to someone whose brain can no longer do realistic. Know which column you're standing in before you open your mouth.
Instead of correcting
- Tell me more about that.
- You might be right. the argument-ender that costs you nothing
- I hadn't thought of it that way.
When they're anxious or scared
- You're safe. I'm right here, and I'm not leaving.
- Something's upsetting you. Let's figure it out together.
- I've taken care of it. It's all handled. for the worry that loops
When they want to go home / see someone long gone
- You miss home. Tell me about it. What was the kitchen like?
- She loves you very much. Let's have some tea while we wait.
Getting cooperation: bath, meds, meals, leaving
- Let's freshen up before lunch. beats "you need a shower"
- The doctor asked me to give you this one. borrowed authority works
- Soup or a sandwich? two choices, never an open question
- Come keep me company while I… togetherness beats instruction
- We'll go in five minutes. Help me fold these first.
When money must change hands
- So you'd rather handle the money yourself. reflect it back; it opens a little room to negotiate
- What if I just helped with the bill-paying part, and you kept everything else?
- If a day ever came when the bills got to be too much, what would you want to happen? Let's write it down while it's your choice. plan the "what if" before it's urgent
- I'm not taking over. I'm protecting what's yours, so it does what you want it to.
When it's time for more help than home
- There's a club at the center: music, lunch, good company. Come try it with me once? "the club," never "day care"
- It would take a real weight off me to know you had company on Tuesdays. many will accept help to spare you, never for themselves
- I'm worried about you being here alone. I want you somewhere safe and looked after. make it your worry, not their failure; not "putting you in a home"
- Let's try this nice place for a little while and see how you like it. present tense, warm hands, no talk of forever
When they're angry or accusing
- I'm on your side.
- How frustrating. Let's look for it together.
- I'm sorry. That was my mistake. even when it wasn't; it ends wars
When they don't recognize you
- Hi Mom. It's Sarah, your daughter. I'm so glad to see you. the answer as a gift, never a quiz
- He'll be along soon. He loves you very much. when you are the "he"; grieve after, with someone who can hold it
For the family who doesn't get it
- She rallies for visits. It's called showtiming, and it costs her the whole next day. Stay till Sunday and you'll see what I see.
- Don't offer "anything." Take Thursdays.
For your own grief, to family
- I've started grieving Mom even though she's still here. It's called anticipatory grief, and it's real. name it yourself; don't wait for them to notice
- I'm losing her a piece at a time, and I need to talk about it without feeling dramatic or disloyal.
- I don't need you to fix it. I just need you to let me be sad out loud sometimes.
- That's okay. You don't have to feel it the way I do. I'll find people who get it. the exit line when they minimize it
For yourself, out loud if needed
- This is the disease, not them.
- I'm allowed to be human. The moment will pass.
- Needing help is a stage of caregiving, not the failure of it.
“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
Proverbs 16:24Every phrase does the same three things: agrees with the feeling, skips the facts, and offers a next moment to step into. That's the whole grammar of dementia communication. Chapter 2 if you want the why.